Healing Arts Blog – Tattoo Art

Posted on May 19, 2013 by

I’ve presented a lot of my personal healing art on this site, which to date I believe has all been my painting. I have also shared other healing art mediums, poetry, writing, t-shirts, etc. to underscore the point that healing art encompasses a huge variety of types and manners.  Aside from being a painter, I also am an avid tattoo fan.

DSCN0217I have numerous tattoos, all of which I have designed myself and all of which have significant meaning to me. They all represent various stages in my life evolution and my recovery process. This includes milestones of achievement, reminders of struggles overcome, celebration of what I’ve accomplished in my life journey and people who have been a significant part of it all. To most everyone else my tattoos are basically colorful shapes and forms and I do get a lot of compliments. (So thank you to Jennifer Cook, my lifelong tattoo artist, for her ability to translate my significant body artwork designs into vivid, relevant tattoos – you can check out her work at www.liquidjadetattoos.com)

Back TatI think what I enjoy most about tattoo art is the permanence of the statement and the fact that while my tattoos are displayed to the world, I control with whom I share their true symbolism and meanings. I have a tattoo on my back that would be defined as a “tribal dragonfly” motif at first glance, but is actually designed to include the first letters of my former partner Tim, my three children, Christy, Jaimee and Ian and myself. It is a commemoration of the importance of my family. (I define family as family-of-choice, not necessarily family by blood relationship.) I use the diamond shape quite often in my tattoo designs as my symbol for family and important persons in my life as well. On this tattoo I’ve placed the five diamonds at the top of my neck so they show above shirt collars, for me a constant display to the world of something I hold dear.

DSCN0214Another tattoo on my upper left arm is a grouping of lotus flowers, in recognition of my continual effort in life to rise out of the dirt and muck of childhood sexual abuse and “bloom” as my true self. On my right forearm I have the word “evolving” inked using graffiti lettering and incorporating symbols that characterize my personal commitment to always learning and growing in my life. On either side of the word “evolving” are the wings of radical acceptance, clear vision and compassionate presence. My tattoos are a constant reminder to me of what I hold important and meaningful in my life.

DSCN0212

Some of my tattoos are more abstract, much like my paintings. Let me share an example. I struggled for years with the challenge of overcoming the power that Lyle, my biological father and violent child rapist, held over me even after his death. As is so common for male survivors, I so desperately wanted a father figure that I found it incredibly challenging to let go of him and relinquish the control he still had over my thoughts and feelings.

Tattoo 1With painful hard work in therapy and a determination to retrain my thoughts and feelings, I was able to let him go, to give back to him what was his and no longer accept his insidious and damaging influence over me. It was such a shock and such a wonderful feeling when this happened that I wanted to capture and claim that victorious occasion. A tattoo seemed to be the perfect way to do this. The permanence of the tattoo would be symbolic of me overcoming and never turning back. Placing the tattoo around my wrist where I would see it all the time would be a constant reminder to me of my commitment to accept what I had accomplished and never go back.

My tattoos convey moments in my life story and indelibly capture my victories. They have been a source of immense satisfaction for me as they constantly remind me of what I’ve accomplished and overcome in my journey of recovery, as well as persistently remind me what and who is important to me.

Bottom line for today’s blog is that healing arts take many forms and all of these can be effective tools at our disposal if we just reach out and utilize them. It is my hope that everyone reading this and all my blogs will take advantage of the power of healing arts.

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Book Spotlight Blog – Art Heals: How Creativity Cures the Soul

Posted on May 12, 2013 by

Art Heals – How Creativity Cures the Soul

Shaun McNiff

Publisher: Shambhala

Art Heals

This book immediately caught my attention when I read the title. That heading,  “How Creativity Cures the Soul”, makes quite a statement and I was hoping to find the answer inside. What I found with this book is a series of articles written by the author that appear to be aimed at professional or trained art therapists. The information presented is very in-depth and required for me much more concentration and careful reading. However, I was pleasantly surprised at the number of references I tagged as I read this book. The first quote to catch me was on the page before the table of contents, and it says:  “Art heals by accepting the pain and doing something with it.”

I’ve mentioned numerous times in my blogs that I don’t particularly understand the how’s and why’s of art therapy, I only know without any doubt that art therapy has been an incredibly helpful tool in my own recovery. There is a quote on page 4 that I like (I do find Nietzsche fascinating): “Nietzsche wrote in The Birth of Tragedy that when we are faced with the most dreadful circumstances, “art approaches as a saving sorceress, expert at healing. She alone knows how to turn these nauseous thoughts about the horror or absurdity of existence into notions with which one can live.” I love the simplicity of this summary.

I’ve also presented in my past blogs the science of right and left brain thinking and how that relates to the limitations of human speech and vocabulary to express thoughts, feelings, emotions and experiences. The point of course is that art transcends the spoken language and provides an expressive venue that in my mind excels over speech. In another quote from this book, page 29: “Explanations and other intrusions from outside the process of creating interrupt, interfere, control, limit, and defend against the natural depth and flow of expression. The art process is intuitive, labyrinthine, and welcoming of uncertainties, risks, and dark places.”

One additional tool that this book introduced to me is the practice of “dialoguing with images”. Page 91: “As in relationships with other people, dialogue takes us into a deeper, more intimate and creative exchange. We move beyond explanation and the controls of one-way speech and open ourselves to the surprises and discoveries that occur through interplay.” The author explains the process of dialoguing with images thus:

First, speak to the image as yourself, imagining that you are speaking to a person.

  1. Look at the image carefully. Look deeply as if you are watching another person. 
Begin to speak by telling this ‘other’ what you see in detail.
  2. How does what you see make you feel?

Next, become the “image’s speaker”

  1. How does the image feel about being seen in that way?
  2. What does the image need?
  3. What does the image want me to know?

He continues with an illustration (page 93): “An artist in my most recent studio found that her picture expressed desires for autonomy when asked what it needed: “Let me go! Don’t worry. I will be fine. I do not need you seeing me as part of yourself. I am separate from you. Can you see me? If you can appreciate me, I will be free from your control. You know that if you cannot let me go, you will be caught again in clinging. I need to be let go for my sake and yours. I can help you practice letting go. You hold on to me like a possessive parent. I need to be seen as a separate person. Your desire to take care of me gets in the way. Your need to see me as part of yourself does not help either of us.”

IMG_1663Dialoguing with images does not mean assigning labels or meaning. In fact it is quite the opposite. Page 107: “In my studios I repeatedly discover that people experience intimate and surprising relationships when they talk with an image rather than about it… Rather than speak about the image as an ‘it’, speak to it as a person, as a ‘you’.”

In my own healing art experience, I generally have a particular thought, feeling or emotion in mind when I start a painting. But I keep an open dialogue with each piece as they develop, and often the focus shifts as I complete the artwork. I have often looked at completed pieces and after dialoguing with them, find some unforeseen aspect expressed in the work. For example, I recently completed a very large painting that for me was my attempt to capture the turmoil and frustration that I was experiencing at the time. When the piece was completed and I gave it a chance to speak for itself I noticed that the area I had painted as exasperation and commotion, could also be interpreted (or express itself) as a flower garden. The image was telling me that my practice coping with these adversities was actually supplying experiences that are making my life more magnificent, adding to my personal growth. I love looking at that painting and seeing this characteristic that I didn’t even notice I had communicated originally.

This book is a valuable resource for anyone searching for more knowledge about the power of healing arts. I also recommend the process of dialoguing with your art. Like everything in our recovery process, it takes some time and practice, a little getting used to. Page 110: “Art expression is a form of nonverbal communication, and, like any language, it takes time to learn how to communicate through it. Depending on your experiences with art, the process of art therapy may seem foreign to you at first and even uncomfortable.” Uncomfortable changes are a way of life for those of us who are survivors. This is another challenge worth the effort.

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Healing Arts Blog – Male Survivor T-Shirt Project

Posted on May 5, 2013 by

For today’s blog I want to share with you a unique and simple exercise in healing art that I’ve been privileged to be involved in. I have shared several times before a resource that I find invaluable – the Male Survivor organization and their website at www.malesurvivor.org. Male Survivor sponsors what they call Weekends of Recovery, which are retreats for male survivors that are facilitated by professionals and are absolutely astounding experiences. I highly recommend these weekend retreats, I’ve attended several myself and they are unbelievably amazing – life altering. At the first weekend I attended I was exposed to several healing art exercises that were actually effective and got me interested and involved in art as a therapy tool.

Screen Shot 2013-05-05 at 8.39.01 PMOne of the exercises that male survivors have found quite profound and empowering is the t-shirt project. Each man in attendance is allowed to apply art to a t-shirt and express whatever he is feeling about his recovery and his experiences. It is remarkable to see these men open up and be able to express themselves so effortlessly – so transparently. So for today’s blog, I want to share with you a video that presents these t-shirts and honors the valiant struggle of my fellow male survivors, men whom I respect and admire for their courage and persistence in valiantly conquering the tremendous challenges that we all face in our recovery journey. I owe them all an immense debt of gratitude and offer them my utmost heartfelt appreciation. Please click on the link below to see more of this wonderful project.

Male Survivor T-Shirt Project

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Healing Arts Blog – Guest Poetry – Anthem: Hope of Recovery

Posted on April 28, 2013 by

Early in my research about healing arts – long before I ever created this blog – I came across a publication called Reaching Across with the Arts. This document contained a lot of really interesting information about healing arts of all types. I’ll present it in more detail in a future resources blog, but today I want to share a poem from that publication. This poem is very timely for me, as I have been struggling with my recovery progress as it compares to my expectations and the expectations of those around me. Seems like everyone, myself included, just wants this journey (and all the complications that come with it) to be over with. As I meditate and increase my awareness of what is actually going on inside me, my “ego”, I continue to find thought patterns and beliefs about myself that stem from the trauma of abuse and adversely affect my life on a subconscious level. It generally has to do with beliefs that make me feel like a worthless human being to be quite blunt. While this discovery is a good thing as it allows me the opportunity to work on countering those beliefs, it also is often an overwhelming and exhausting experience and somewhat disappointing to realize how much more work I have to do to overcome the insidious effects of childhood rape and violence and achieve my expectation – the ability to really experience joy in my life.

I participated last week in a conversation with a group of survivors, both men and women, and one big issue that I heard repeated was the recurring feeling of being completely drained and hopeless in recovery. That feeling that you’re not getting anywhere and that you never will. It is a feeling I’m quite familiar with, one that I imagine all survivors have experienced. There are times when we all just get sick and tired of the continual mental effort required by recovery. Like the analogy of the onionskin, every time we peel off a layer and work through that issue, there is another layer waiting. It can seem like the “bottomless onion” – like there will never be an end of those layers. There are so many times when we find ourselves completely depleted of our inner resources, worn out, and we just want to be done with it all. It is at those times that I find I am at my most vulnerable to self-destructive behaviors.

treeandskyOne powerful tool available to us to help us cope with the often-arduous nature of the recovery process is found in one word – HOPE. For a four-letter word, hope can be confusing and complex as well as amazingly simple. Hope is something that I never had as a child, as a powerless victim. There was no hope, no recourse and nothing to save me from the situation. Hope did not exist in my vocabulary or my perception of reality. The concept of hope was foreign to me – thus the complexities that hope presented. However, hope is – SIMPLY – an integral part of everyone’s recovery journey. If we did not have hope, we would not make the effort to understand, grow and reclaim our lives. Consider this idea as you read the following poem:

Anthem Hope of Recovery

Part of retraining my thought processes as I rediscover my true self and reclaim my life includes training myself to recognize the progress I’ve made in my evolution. I’ve made some very significant positive changes. I’ve battled and overcome life-threatening self-destructive behaviors. I recognize that, as much as it may irritate the hell out of me at times, recovery and reclamation from the trauma of childhood abuse is a slow process. I’ve been at it for six years now, which is just a fraction of my life overall, and that makes the victories I’ve accomplished so far pretty amazing.

Someone asked me once a few years ago what it is that gets me up in the morning – what motivates me to get out of bed and face life. I didn’t hesitate for a second with my answer. Aside from the more obvious items such as my love for my kids or my need to be at work to make a living, I told him that my main motivation is to repossess my life. To get rid of all the bullshit I was brainwashed with by evil people and organizations and to uncover my true self. In short, my recovery journey is to discover and reclaim my divine nature. This is the hope that keeps me going through those times when mental and emotional exhaustion begs me to quit. This HOPE inspires me to take care of myself appropriately in that wearied state so I can continue doing what really motivates my journey – realizing, understanding, embracing and integrating my divine nature.

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My Big Mouth Blog – Finding the Real Me

Posted on April 21, 2013 by

I had an incredible occurrence not too long ago. I had the opportunity to be interviewed by Scott MacDonald, a writer for a local Portland magazine, about my art, this blog site and male survivors. It was a wonderful experience and I was so happy to have been given such a chance. My hope in doing the interview for the article is that it will provide information and resources helpful to other men who are struggling with the effects of childhood sexual abuse.

However, there was another effect of that meeting that I was totally unexpected. In the interview, I decided that for it to be successful I had to be totally open, honest and transparent throughout the discussion. This made me feel quite vulnerable on one hand but it also resulted in a very sincere and truthful conveyance of my feelings and thoughts. Kurt_McGrew 2 editedAs I considered afterward exactly what I had shared about myself, what I’m doing now and why I’m doing it, I realized that I had expressed my true self in that interview. It dawned on me that the person I was describing is the person I’ve wanted to be, the person I truly am. And I really like that person!! This realization was bittersweet. I’ve spent so much of my life defining myself by what I was told by others – pedophiles and their allies, religious bigots, bullies and self-absorbed authority figures – and believing the horrible things they told me.  At first I was hesitant to accept the realization that I’m becoming my true nature, my true self. Can I accept this? It is incredibly exciting and gratifying to realize that my journey of recovery has led me to this point.

In her book Art and Healing, Barbara Ganim states on page 124: “In the years that I have been working with cancer patients, I have rarely met one who hasn’t said that cancer was their greatest gift. Cancer, they say, was their wake-up call – the ultimate crisis that forced them to realize that there was a purpose to their lives they had yet to fulfill. And that one realization, they believe, changes their lives and their ability to survive this disease.

Before their cancer diagnosis, my clients tell me, they were so caught up in petty concerns, pursuing dreams that were not their own and living with the constant fear of making a mistake, that their lives had no real meaning. “When you are fighting so hard to survive, “one of my ovarian cancer patients once said, “it makes you decide that your life had better be worth the effort. If my life is going to be nothing more than more of doing things the same old way – the same meaningless thoughts, pursuits, and fears – then why bother? That’s when I finally got it,” she said, “the old way was their way – what others had taught me to believe was not important. If I’m going to find out what’s important to me, I have to stop listening to them and listen instead to my heart.”

Future SelfI imagine most male survivors who have found success and freedom in their recovery can relate totally to what Barbara is saying. When we resolve to face our past and reclaim our lives from the isolating and paralyzing legacy of childhood sexual abuse we are thrust into a fight for our lives. And as Barbara says, “When you are fighting so hard to survive, “one of my ovarian cancer patients once said, “it makes you decide that your life had better be worth the effort.” This was definitely a foreign idea to me not too many years ago. I was living, going through the motions of a successful life, but I still clung to the belief that I was a flawed and useless human being and I got no joy out of life. In fact, suicide and self-destruction were constantly in my mind. Once I started my healing voyage, I had the same experience that Barbara quotes above, “That’s when I finally got it,” she said, “the old way was their way – what others had taught me to believe was not important. If I’m going to find out what’s important to me, I have to stop listening to them and listen instead to my heart.” As male survivors, we have to silence our perpetrators and those who knowingly stood by silent. Their voices are no longer important or valid. We need to start listening to our own hearts and learn who we truly are as individuals.

As part of my continuing life evolution, I’ve employed the practice of meditation. A simple process that is impossible to describe adequately to anyone. You only understand meditation after you practice it and the light goes on. Meditation has been an immense help to me. It helps me stay present and mindful and not waste my energy living in the past or the future, or obsessing over things I have no control over. As a result of living life in the present I am constantly amazed at the wonderful things that happen to me, the great experiences and opportunities I’m enjoying right now. Especially where my art is concerned. I suddenly find and recognize so many things in my life to be grateful for.

meditation-5-jpeg2This is where meditation has been so incredibly effective for me. When I was first entering into therapy for childhood sexual abuse I had no clue how to even go about listening to my own heart. I wasn’t sure I even had a heart!!! Working with a therapist was the first step to finding and paying attention to my true self. Art was the second giant leap towards discovering who I am. Meditation has been the third “jump forward” tool that has not only helped me uncover my divine nature but now is helping me believe and accept that I am a divine being of light. It is a truly amazing transformation, an incredible amount of hard work fraught with painful and glorious progress – and definitely worth every ounce of energy expended accomplishing the expedition!!

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Healing Arts Blog – Cocoon Series – Art Photography and Having Fun

Posted on April 15, 2013 by

I had a show this weekend that was quite fun, very gratifying and a great personal experience for me. Interacting with people, hearing their responses to my work (or lack thereof!!) is always intriguing to me. So between the show that ran all weekend and of course the dreaded taxes due today I’m a day late posting. But that’s life!

Despite my horrendous tax bill, I am in an upbeat mood and I decided to present to you today a bit of a twist on the healing arts. Today’s blog entry is called “Cocoon Series” and Cocoon Twoit takes the healing art painting that I do to a slightly different area, that of photography and the realm of having fun with the work I do. To present my work in this blog and on my gallery website, it needs to be photographed. I offer prints of my original work from this photography as well, which affords some very nice framed art pieces. While exploring the photography of my art, I discovered that zooming in on certain areas of my paintings creates some really interesting art statements when these extreme close-ups are blown up and printed. As I played around with this concept, I also employed a few photographic applications that allow me to do mirror images of the work as well as other basic photographic manipulations. The Cocoon Series is a result of that playful exploration of my healing art.

Cocoon 1The Cocoon Series is generated from enlarged details of an original acrylic on canvas painting called Father and Son, a piece I shared in this blog site on September 13, 2012. The series consists of enlarged close-up photographic images of details in that painting. The original painting was done for my son Ian to celebrate the incredible connection we have, to capture the energy of our relationship. I am amazed at the power of positive energy in human life. It is something that I never experienced as a child. It is something I never imagined I could ever feel or understand. As a child it was imperative that I stay silent and invisible – silence equaled safety. Fear and hyper-vigilance ruled my life. Throughout my recovery and therapy my son has been a light and a comfort to me. Seeing him as a pure, loving, energetic human being has helped me see myself as the child I should have been, the real child I was before abuse robbed me of my childhood. The amazing positive life force that I experience now is something so incredible that it energizes every aspect of my life.

Cocoon 1 detail 3These close-up views from the painting create an interesting interplay of light and shape and color that stimulate and enlarge the imagination. Everyone who looks at these prints sees so many different things, from bugs to Buddhas, faces and figures, aliens and plant life. I love hearing what people see. These prints produce and enhance curiosity and creativity.

So the bottom line I think for today’s blog is – have some fun with your healing art!! It is of course a great tool for recovery but it can also provide you some exciting and intriguing creative explorations that can lighten and enhance your life and the lives of others.

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Book Spotlight Blog – Art and Healing

Posted on April 7, 2013 by

Art and Healing

Using Expressive Art to Heal Your Body, Mind, and Spirit

Barbara Ganim, M.A.E., C.H.C.

Three Rivers Press 

Back in January I reviewed some ideas from this book by Barbara Ganim entitled Art and Healing, a book I thoroughly enjoyed and from which I would like to share more ideas:

Page 6: “Expressive art is something you can learn to do for yourself, unlike acupuncture or massage therapy, where you have to pay a practitioner for each session. Once you learn how to use expressive art to heal, you can continue to use this powerful and self-healing technique on your own, for the rest of your life.”

My thoughts: I dabbled in art in high school and realized I had some talent for it, but like many male survivors and maybe human beings in general, I felt that if I couldn’t be perfect at it to begin with, I wasn’t going to pursue it further and risk scrutiny, embarrassment and shame. So I didn’t do much with it. I’ve had a career in architectural design that has allowed me substantial creativity in the built environment, which served as a partial outlet for my creative needs. But my journey into art as a healing tool started on my own. It was actually around September of 2010 when I finally got so frustrated

"Invisible" by Kurt McGrew

“Invisible” by Kurt McGrew

trying to speak and write what I was feeling that I picked up a pen and paintbrush and starting capturing the vision of the feelings and thoughts I was experiencing. I found this avenue of expression to be incredibly effective and profound. It is why I founded this blog and why I continue to post and encourage others. While I am now selling and showing art, my intent when I started was just to find a way to express my feelings and thoughts in a way that I couldn’t articulate using words. (Reference my past blog from March 17, 2013 entitled Invisible.)

Page 9: “You don’t have to be an artist to use art for healing…Even if you have never picked up a pencil to draw or used a paintbrush to splash color across a canvas, you can use art to heal yourself…”What if I’m terrible at this?” most people ask when they are just beginning. The answer is: there is no such thing as terrible – even stick figures will give you all the information you will need to understand what your body-mind is saying through its imagery. So even if you believe that you have no talent at all, just remember that this is your inner critic talking, and there isn’t a person alive who wouldn’t be better off not listening to their inner critic.”

This idea expressed so eloquently on page 9 of Barbara Ganim’s book is a truth that I like to emphasize again and again. The joy and relief that my art brings to me is incredible. Scan 4My healing art ranges from black scribbles on paper to 6 foot tall canvases covered with paint that describe my life journey and my personal evolution.(Reference my past blog series entitled “How I Use Healing Art”.) The wonderful thing about using art as a healing tool, whether it is drawing, painting, poetry, music or anything else, is that it is uniquely individual for each person and doesn’t have to be anything but what you make of it. It is your art, your non-verbal expression, and special to you. And you don’t have to share it with anyone if you don’t want to. It is my sincere hope that those who read and follow this blog will experiment with the healing arts and give them a try in your own recovery process. Even if you’re not a survivor, expressing yourself through art is a valuable tool to help you in any situation.

I also urge anyone who has experiences with healing art please share them with me, I love to post guest blogs. You can email me at kurmcg@msn.com.

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